Mindful Monday: Rewarding Good Choices

It REALLY bothers me when people say "he's being a bad kid", or something along those lines. No, he is not. Making bad choices? Possibly. Inherently bad, nope. Oftentimes as parents we want our children to behave a certain way, so our definition of "good" and "bad" are arbitrary at best. There are general "good" behaviors and "bad" behaviors, but everything in between is up for interpretation. If a child is acting a specific way, find the root cause. Chances are they are being "rewarded" for that behavior, positive or negative.

My children are very strong willed. I think kids in general are very opinionated and eager to learn and progress, but my kiddos are aggressively opinionated. Stomp on the ground, scream at the top of their lungs, head-strong. Its no wonder where they get it from, but as a parent I want to help them channel this...energy...into more productive means. Can I just tell them how to do it? Heck no. Not-uh. They will have NONE of THAT. Sooo....what to do?

M loves order and rules. If the rule is set, he will stick by it, but it has to make sense to him. Another thing he loves is to earn prizes-what kid doesn't?! I'm not talking $30 Build-A-Bear prizes, I'm talking a couple of pipe-cleaners or a dollar store whistle. And he will do just about anything to get them!

Enter Sticker Chart.

Quick Aside: I really hate the behavior management methods of the sliding scale of good and bad. We've all seen them-the colored cards each day (green=good, yellow=warning, red=bad). Or the clothespin that goes one way for good choices another way for bad choices. Let's be honest. Some kids are ALWAYS going to end up at the bottom of the rung or with the red cards. They can't sit still or keep their mouths shut or keep their hands to themselves for longer than 30 seconds. I was one of the kids that almost always would have the green card. I like rules. Some of my siblings, not so much. It is disheartening when the focus is on separating good and bad kids instead of rewarding the positive in everyone. Just saying.

Which brings us back to the sticker chart. I made a chart that is hung right in the middle of our living space, so we pass it multiple times a day, which is a not-so-subtle reminder to make good choices. When M is having a particularly hard time making the "right" choice, I DO NOT take stickers away. He simple doesn't get a sticker. And I remind him: "Stomping on the floor is not a good sticker choice." "Taking toys from your brother's hands to make him scream is not a good sticker choice." (See where I'm going with this?) It makes the choice he is making the problem, not him. It gives him the chance to regroup and refocus, categorizing his choices. Later I'll hear him catch himself right as he's about to make that same "bad" choice, and turn to me and say "mom, I was going to do xyz, but I didn't. That's a good sticker choice." To which I reply, "Yes it is, grab a sticker, kiddo!" The key is to be specific when addressing the behavior, so they can learn what is acceptable and what is not.

The point I'm trying to make is, no one is inherently bad, so stop focusing on categorizing kids (and let's be honest, people in general) into good and bad, but focus on the positive and be specific! When we know what makes someone happy (essentially "good choices"), most of us desire to continue to do so.

Happy Choice-Making,